Sermon Savants Gifts

'Do you think they're here because they're interested in the topic, or because they think there will be samples?'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Monk Prompt

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Male On Sunday

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'