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'Do you think they're here because they're interested in the topic, or because they think there will be samples?'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Monk Prompt

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

Today's Sermon: We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Is there any chance of a bailout?

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'