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Blessed are the brief.

'And he said, Come unto me, for it's not what you know, but who you know.'

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth - but not the oil and mineral rights.'

Harold stares at people he thinks the sermon is pertiment to.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

"You should do a sermon on the dangers of stupidity."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'I think I can speak for the Bishop, when I say...'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"First, you have to get their attention."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'I think I'd change the title, Ed.'

"Happens every time he preaches a 'Fire & Brimstone' sermon."

"Daddy, you're not going to give us a sermon on responsible behavior, are you?"

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

'Great sermon! Thanks for not mentioning me by name.'

Usher about usher with metal detector: 'He's checking for cell phones.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Thank you, Reverend. We loved you sermon on ending partisan gridlock in Washington.'

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

'Nobody, but nobody sleeps through Pastor Norcupp's sermons.'

"What do you mean the message wasn't directed at me, the Pastor said my full name three times!"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Do we not come to this Redemption Center because we have refund value? Yes! But do not think you are worth but one nickel for that would be 'soft moralizing'."

"But what about the sermon you just preached..."

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

"Just because you think someone is praying a long time does not give you the right and try to end it with a loud amen."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"I wonder if he's talking to me?"

"Before we begin the hymn of thanksgiving, I'd like each of you mothers to take a moment to count her little blessings."

Vicar preaching at pulpit

Pastor Andy's pet peeves finally get the better of him.