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'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

Press freedom makes democracy.

"The sound system is fixed so we can start. Would you kindly put the beach ball away!"

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"Haven't you ever heard of the first amendment?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.