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"...And forgive the congregation member who left their cell phone on and it rang during the sermon!"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'Fischer Says Give Thanks to the Lord!'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Monk Prompt

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"Tomorrow will be mainly sunny, but with some scattered showers..."

Jesus is Scourged (The Holy Bible).

'This business about the meek inheriting the Earth -- can't anything be done about it?'

"Amen. Thanks everyone, oh and don't forget to subscribe!"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

'It's Sundays like this that I regret our church website is so popular.'

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"10,000 members or not, the Pastor should at least remember my name."

"The buck really stops with him."

"Attendance is down again this morning. If we want to continue calling ourselves a congregation, we're going to have to congregate."

The evangelist turned lawyer's opening arguments were unconvincing

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'