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"...And forgive the congregation member who left their cell phone on and it rang during the sermon!"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'Fischer Says Give Thanks to the Lord!'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

Monk Prompt

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"Tomorrow will be mainly sunny, but with some scattered showers..."

Jesus is Scourged (The Holy Bible).

"Amen. Thanks everyone, oh and don't forget to subscribe!"

'This business about the meek inheriting the Earth -- can't anything be done about it?'

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Spiritual Lives Matter

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'It's Sundays like this that I regret our church website is so popular.'

Applause

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"10,000 members or not, the Pastor should at least remember my name."

The evangelist turned lawyer's opening arguments were unconvincing

'...and we used to grumble about not understanding archaic church language!'

"Attendance is down again this morning. If we want to continue calling ourselves a congregation, we're going to have to congregate."