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'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

"He certainly makes sin sound exciting."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

A convenient attack of swine flu...

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."