Sermon Spectator Gifts

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

"He certainly makes sin sound exciting."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sermon Applause.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

A convenient attack of swine flu...

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Today's Sermon: We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Is there any chance of a bailout?