Sermon Attendee Gifts

'It's a miracle!'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Here we are."

Early Piety

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'There's one app we can't give you ... aptitude.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Finger puppets in church.

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'This is for the V.A.T.- the Vicar's Autumn Treat!'

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

Today's Sermon: We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Is there any chance of a bailout?

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

"You said it—everybody heard you."