Sermon Attendee Gifts

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Here we are."

Early Piety

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'There's one app we can't give you ... aptitude.'

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Finger puppets in church.

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"You said it—everybody heard you."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'This is for the V.A.T.- the Vicar's Autumn Treat!'

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."