Church Attendee Gifts

'This place got Wi-fi?'

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"That's our new church mascot."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'Let us pray...'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation