Church Attendance Gifts

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

Vicar losing his place in the sermon.

'The good news and the bad news is that Sunday School attendance is up.'

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

'This is God I Missed you in church last Sunday.'

'He won't be easy to catch. He's well rested - slept through the sermon.'

'Easter coming so soon after Christmas has almost turned Anthony into a regular churchgoer.'

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

Church Board: 'Come early and you can sit in the back.'

"My wife made me come to the early service."

'I really don't know if I should. Jesus doesn't like money changers.'

Yonder: Roll Call Every 15 Min.

Choir wearing masks.

As the only new guest at the church in 7 months, Henry was brought up on stage to feel welcomed and celebrated by the entire congregation.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Church Parking

"As a single young male at this church I am uncomfortable being constantly evaluated for marriage potential."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and you will never see him in church on Sunday again."

"Bob, you've been warned before. You can't come to prayer just to gather gossip material."

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

"Oh no...altar call."

Sign Stating 'Keep off the Grass! Thy Tresspasses will Not be Forgiven."

"How can I love my enemies when I don't even like my friends?"

"Today's message really convicted me Preacher. Good thing church is only once a week."

'Very very uplifting this morning, Reverend!'

'By the way, Mrs Wilson. Why haven't I seen you in church lately.'

'Nobody's leaving till I get the offering plate back!'

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

Talk about sarcasm, he gave me two free passes to church

Elydale Church: Assembly Required.