Attending Church Events Gifts

"He usually cries with strangers,Vicar!"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Sloaney Pony.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Early Piety

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Priest

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"That's our new church mascot."

Monk Prompt

Verger Works

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

Baptism Then and Now