Attending Church Events Pillows

"He usually cries with strangers,Vicar!"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Sloaney Pony.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Early Piety

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

Priest

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

"That's our new church mascot."

Monk Prompt

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Baptism Then and Now

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'