Church Service Attendee Pillows

Wife leaving note 'midnight mass' on husbands distended stomache as she leaves house.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'Let us pray...'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"Amen. Please help me up."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"I have an app for that."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

CCTV in church.