Church Service Attendee Pillows

Wife leaving note 'midnight mass' on husbands distended stomache as she leaves house.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'Let us pray...'

Verger Works

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"Amen. Please help me up."

"I have an app for that."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

Baptism Then and Now

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

CCTV in church.