Sunday Service Attendee Pillows

"The Pastor requested that no decaf be served. The congregation is nodding off during service."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

Early Piety

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

A child interrupting family prayers

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Sermon Applause.