Sunday Service Attendee Pillows

"The Pastor requested that no decaf be served. The congregation is nodding off during service."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

Early Piety

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

A child interrupting family prayers

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."