Attending Church Services Pillows

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Early Piety

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

How's my sermon. . .

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Finger puppets in church.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"It's a cup holder."

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Jesus breaks the bread.