Funeral Attendance Gifts

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Smiley Pall Bearer.

"He makes it look so damn easy."

'He had so much more to give.'

'It's sad that the only time we all get together is funerals or rain.'

'...Got a light mate?'

"Yeah, there were lots of flowers, so I had a good feed. It was rather awkward though: it was a funeral..."

"It's amazing how the captures one's true, inner self."

"And if I behave, can I get sprinkles?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

He looks so natural lying there...

'He loved that dog.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"Bob, you've been warned before. You can't come to prayer just to gather gossip material."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

A dead business executive is lowered into the grave with his desk

Dead Man's Handel

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

A signaller directing pallbearers

Undertaker's Flower Box.

Vicar losing his place in the sermon.

'Sold! $287,500 to bidder #349!'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.