Funeral Attendance Gifts

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Smiley Pall Bearer.

"He makes it look so damn easy."

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&@ a gift.

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

'He had so much more to give.'

'It's sad that the only time we all get together is funerals or rain.'

'...Got a light mate?'

"Yeah, there were lots of flowers, so I had a good feed. It was rather awkward though: it was a funeral..."

"It's amazing how the captures one's true, inner self."

"And if I behave, can I get sprinkles?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

He looks so natural lying there...

'He loved that dog.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

"Bob, you've been warned before. You can't come to prayer just to gather gossip material."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

A dead business executive is lowered into the grave with his desk

Dead Man's Handel

Goldfish funeral

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

Undertaker's Flower Box.

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

A signaller directing pallbearers

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"