Funeral Aficionados Gifts

'Mourning!'

Stiff Competition

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Dearly beloved - We gather today to honor the life of the greatest magician of our time."

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'This sucks. Let's try and start the wave.'

The four hearsemen with the Alpaca lips.

Gravedigger

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

'I'm looking for something with more legroom.'

Dead Batteries

'Tomb of the unkown Scottish goalie.'

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

"Is he gonna read the ENTIRE Book of Psalms!?! C'Mon!!!"

"Never lend money to anyone over 90."

'I know he didn't pay his bills, but let's get the lien off the coffin.'

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

"By the way, your phone's dead, so I've taken care of everything."

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

Are you sure this is what your husband meant when he said he wanted a quiet send-off?

Chinese Funerals.

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

"Sir, did the piano die?"

Undertakers Pole

"I'm actually relieved... his constant 'glass half full, silver lining, isn't life beautiful, rah-rah-sis-boom-bah' cheery optimism was really getting on my nerves."

"But 'Tibetan Sky Burial' sounded so cool."

"Wrong line, buddy."