Funeral Aficionado Gifts

'Never cared what anyone thought - until the very end.'

"Some people he knew wanted closure."

Mobile Crem

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Dearly beloved - We gather today to honor the life of the greatest magician of our time."

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

"Trust me - he's going to a better place."

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'This sucks. Let's try and start the wave.'

The four hearsemen with the Alpaca lips.

Gravedigger

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

"Is he gonna read the ENTIRE Book of Psalms!?! C'Mon!!!"

Sorry You Were Out - Will Call Again.

"Never lend money to anyone over 90."

The final stage of Terminal Political Correctness.

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

Dead Batteries

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

'I know he didn't pay his bills, but let's get the lien off the coffin.'

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

"Sir, did the piano die?"

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

Are you sure this is what your husband meant when he said he wanted a quiet send-off?

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

Undertakers Pole

Chinese Funerals.

"Nice crowd, but where the f*ck is Phil?"

"Wrong line, buddy."

'But I miss all the funerals we used to go to.'

"I'm actually relieved... his constant 'glass half full, silver lining, isn't life beautiful, rah-rah-sis-boom-bah' cheery optimism was really getting on my nerves."