Funeral Service Enthusiast Gifts

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

Bug Funerals

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

Dog Park and Pet Funeral Home.

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

"Trust me - he's going to a better place."

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'This sucks. Let's try and start the wave.'

Gravedigger

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

"Never lend money to anyone over 90."

Dead Batteries

"She looks so natural, although I prefer cremation."

The final stage of Terminal Political Correctness.

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

"We're about to go live. Prepare to mourn in 10. . . 9. . . 8. . ."

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

Funeral Directors signs say 'Sale - Shop till you drop!'

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

Undertakers Pole

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

Are you sure this is what your husband meant when he said he wanted a quiet send-off?

"Sir, did the piano die?"

"He had himself pierced once too often."