Funeral Service Enthusiast Pillows

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

Bug Funerals

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

Crash Test Dummy Funerals.

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"Trust me - he's going to a better place."

Dog Park and Pet Funeral Home.

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'This sucks. Let's try and start the wave.'

Gravedigger

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

"Never lend money to anyone over 90."

Dead Batteries

The final stage of Terminal Political Correctness.

"She looks so natural, although I prefer cremation."

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

At Salvador Dali's funeral,

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

"We're about to go live. Prepare to mourn in 10. . . 9. . . 8. . ."

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

Funeral Directors signs say 'Sale - Shop till you drop!'

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

"Sir, did the piano die?"

"He had himself pierced once too often."

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

Undertakers Pole

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'