Funeral Enthusiast Pillows

My Child is an Honor Roll Student At the Alax School of Embalming.

Bless this Hearse

'I demand a second opinion' - notice from coffin

Butterfly Funerals

'It was so sudden. No one's had a chance to tell him.'

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

'But I miss all the funerals we used to go to.'

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"That's perfect! The bloody door is too small!"

I told myself I wasn't going to cry at his funeral

"Dearly beloved - We gather today to honor the life of the greatest magician of our time."

'I'm the one who sold King Tut his tomb. The commission was huge.'

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

Crash Test Dummy Funerals.

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'This sucks. Let's try and start the wave.'

The four hearsemen with the Alpaca lips.

Gravedigger

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

"This is our basic flush but I think your loved one would appreciate a more substantial flush."

At Salvador Dali's funeral,

"Oh my God, mother! That is, like, so passive-aggressive!"

'I'm looking for something with more legroom.'

Dead Batteries

'Tomb of the unkown Scottish goalie.'

"Never lend money to anyone over 90."

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

Undertakers Pole