Funeral Home Aficionado Gifts

"Wrong line, buddy."

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

Crash Test Dummy Funerals.

'There's no talking to him when he's like this.'

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

"Trust me - he's going to a better place."

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'This sucks. Let's try and start the wave.'

The four hearsemen with the Alpaca lips.

Gravedigger

"Never lend money to anyone over 90."

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

At Salvador Dali's funeral,

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

Dead Batteries

'I know he didn't pay his bills, but let's get the lien off the coffin.'

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

'He always had to be the center of attention. You staying for the magic show?'

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

"Sir, did the piano die?"

Are you sure this is what your husband meant when he said he wanted a quiet send-off?

'Some people couldn't make it today, but they've sent a few tweets...'

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

"By the way, your phone's dead, so I've taken care of everything."

Undertakers Pole

"I'm actually relieved... his constant 'glass half full, silver lining, isn't life beautiful, rah-rah-sis-boom-bah' cheery optimism was really getting on my nerves."

Mobile Crem

Checkout.

"No, no, I did not know him! I'm just practicing!"

"Some people he knew wanted closure."

"This is your first burial at sea, isn't it!"