Funeral Home Visitors Gifts

'He always had to be the center of attention. You staying for the magic show?'

'Next!'

'I wonder if there's a message up there somewhere.'

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"He didn't do squat for cats."

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Reagan on Mt. Rushmore.

"Will you all please bow your heads for the reading of the menu."

The unknown soldier: war grave.

"Mom, Dad – I’d like you to meet Edna."

"Yeah, there were lots of flowers, so I had a good feed. It was rather awkward though: it was a funeral..."

'There's no talking to him when he's like this.'

"It's amazing how the captures one's true, inner self."

"We never had a 'last conversation,' but if we had, you’d have lost."

Productivity and Agriculture.

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

'He had bad breath, but I suppose that was better than no breath at all.'

Gravedigger

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

"First, let me say how much I appreciate your 6-foot social distancing."

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

"You're not even listening, are you?!"

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

"I'm going to put a fir branch on my husband's grave. He always hated fir branches."

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

"Oh my God, mother! That is, like, so passive-aggressive!"

At Salvador Dali's funeral,

'Did he say anything before he died?' 'Only 'Finger-lickin' good.''

"I brought my mother along just to tick you off."

Undertakers Pole

She knew you too well. Other side, stupid.

"He had himself pierced once too often."

Justice

"I can tell you exactly what he was compensating for."

"They suspect foul play."