Attending Funerals Gifts

'His pacemaker's lasting longer than he did.'

'I never know what to do with my hands at a funeral.'

He looks so natural lying there...

'He loved that dog.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

A dead business executive is lowered into the grave with his desk

Dead Man's Handel

Undertaker's Flower Box.

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

A signaller directing pallbearers

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

“Sorry, we don’t accept the living dead.”

"Is it me, or does the old man still look angry at us for denting his Cadillac?"

Bug Funerals

"Mom, Dad – I’d like you to meet Edna."

At the funeral of the amazing Voltar.

'I tend to bury stuff.'

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

"Will you all please bow your heads for the reading of the menu."

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"I think Republicans and Democrats alike can agree that Frank Shustermann is dead."

Hearse on an emergency