Wedding Attendance Gifts

For the wedding of an ex-boyfriend, we recommend either va-va-voom or va-va-va-voom

'Someone got me because I matched her purse, I've been to a rock concert, a night club and two weddings, Life as a designer dog is great but I'd trade caviar for kibble to get a good night's sleep,'

Sloaney Pony.

'That's it then - I'll take the slinky high-heeled cocktail number in a 5 and the everyday workshoe in a 7...'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'I always cry at weddings!'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'Just three pieces of cake for 200 hundred guests?'

Wedding Selfie

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'He hasn't missed a turnout in ten years!'

"How much longer, roughly, will you be introducing me as a 'disgruntled Republican'?"

I am your BIGGEST fan!

'Hey! is that a good fit or not?'

"You've got to blurb me to her."

"Bob, you've been warned before. You can't come to prayer just to gather gossip material."

'My best friend threw her bouquet to me at her wedding, and I ATE it!'

"He's my escort, and he's a teddy bear."

"What's my collar size?"

Hats and Greetings

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

Vicar losing his place in the sermon.

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

'It will be a big wedding, I invited all 2679 of my facebook friends,'

'Sold! $287,500 to bidder #349!'

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"Are you, Michael on the same page as Melissa?"

Non-Jewish Events and Jewish Events

"Any apologies for absence?"

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and you will never see him in church on Sunday again."

'I'm the bride's ex boyfriend. Before she says yes, can I just tell her that I've just won the lottery jackpot?!'