Church Goers Gifts

"Let's start a small group."

'With this bling, I thee wed.'

'Chlamydia, that's a new one on me.'

"Do you mind Miss Trimble. I'm about to conduct a Christening."

'Bishops call to Scottish parliament' "You take the high road, I'll take the low road, and lets help others along the way"

'Ooh...that must be Charlotte's place.'

'Do you think they're here because they're interested in the topic, or because they think there will be samples?'

'...Meanwhile, in the Catholic division, Divine Mercy throttled Eternal Peace, while Good Shepherd was mercilessly pummeled by St. Francis.'

Choir wearing masks.

"Have you heard 'Genesis', my child?"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Priest

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Verger Works

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'Let us pray...'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'