Church Goer Gifts

"I love the blockbusters of the summer confession season."

'You had a good idea in our staff meeting yesterday. So, the church sent someone over to witness the miracle.'

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Wait!"

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Lady to lady about disguised lady: 'She's new to our Secret Sister program.'

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

"Maybe all spirit filled meetings should be held outside to avoid setting off the sprinklers."

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

'I've met our new neighbours and I get the feeling they're heavily religious.'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"How's my praying?"

"I've decided to text the sermon to everyone so you will pay attention."

Confession plugged up to an amp.

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

Confession Broadcast.

The landlord's a born again Christian

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"I know he's in here somewhere!"

"Who forgot the words?"

Gluten-Free Church

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"The actual title of my sermon, Ms. Barns, is 'Are you going to hell?'."

'There's something different about the vicar, He seems louder,'

Henry is concerned that someone brought deviled eggs to the church potluck.

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Dog gives bone to church collection plate.

"…And do you, John, take this person with a uterus…"

The Good News, the Media Nothwithstanding