Church Goer Gifts

"I love the blockbusters of the summer confession season."

St. Agnes Catholic Church: Meatless Friday Lenten Dinner 6 PM.

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

'You had a good idea in our staff meeting yesterday. So, the church sent someone over to witness the miracle.'

"Wait!"

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

Lady to lady about disguised lady: 'She's new to our Secret Sister program.'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Maybe all spirit filled meetings should be held outside to avoid setting off the sprinklers."

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

'I've met our new neighbours and I get the feeling they're heavily religious.'

"I've decided to text the sermon to everyone so you will pay attention."

"How's my praying?"

Confession plugged up to an amp.

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

The landlord's a born again Christian

"I stopped believing in free will when I had my lawyer write mine."

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"I know he's in here somewhere!"

Confession Broadcast.

"Hello Harry, is your heating on the blink again?"

Henry is concerned that someone brought deviled eggs to the church potluck.

"Who forgot the words?"

"The actual title of my sermon, Ms. Barns, is 'Are you going to hell?'."

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"Hey, church lady. You got any Bailey's?"

Gluten-Free Church

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'There's something different about the vicar, He seems louder,'

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'