Churchgoer Friend Gifts

'This is for the V.A.T.- the Vicar's Autumn Treat!'

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Priest

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Let us pray...'

Verger Works

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"Amen. Please help me up."