Modern Church-goer Gifts

Vicar wearing sunglasses.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Drive-thru Church

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Let us pray...'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"Amen. Please help me up."