Modern Churchgoers Gifts

"And do please remember to visit our online confession service."

"Welcome to the Lord's House. Now in high definition."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Priest

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

Verger Works

Drive-thru Church

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'Let us pray...'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"Amen. Please help me up."