Sermon Listener Gifts

'The pastor is the one who tells all the kids to be quiet and sit down.'

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Mozart's very good, but can't beat Rossini for sandbox activities.

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

Clive Anderson

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

Which Hogwarts house are you?

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

Attention Span Man

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.