Sermon Listening Gifts

'Hey, the Preacher is talking about you Dad.'

'What happened? Last week's sermon was about money being the root of all evil.'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Sermon Applause.

The Sleeping Congregation.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

Which Hogwarts house are you?

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.