Sermon Sampler Gifts

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'Good to see you in church on Sunday.' -'So that's where I was.'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

The Sleeping Congregation.

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

Church: Open Sundays

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

Words falling out of bible.

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

"Behold! NOW is the accepted time to repent!"

"I stand corrected..."