Song Sampler Gifts

It was cute when my digital assistant played "Bye Bye Birdie" after I asked for help with a pesky bird. But it was just snarky playing the theme from "Mission: Impossible" when I asked for guidance on reducing my debt.

Try to guess the continent dining...

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

Sinking Sand

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

Pat's Bar, Rotgut Tasting 5-7.

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

'Anyone else seeing a pattern here?'

Man with fake beard gets a package from the Beard of the Month club.

NEW FALL LINEUP

"I don't understand it - no matter how much I drink coffee, play on my phone, refresh my e-mail, look up things online, go to the kitchen for snacks, message my friends, scroll through Twitter, and play with the cats, I still can't get any writing done."

'I'm part of a double-blind study to see how weight loss supplements help people lose weight. I'm guessing I received the sugar pill placebos.'

'Oh no! Not 'Barnacle Bill the Sailor', again.'

"I'm not mocking your song—I'm sampling it."

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

'Smoked salmon and cream cheese. What's in yours?'

'and for my 12,307 choice I'd have the live extended version of...'

'Which' Consumer Testing Whiskies

The lame stuff you listen to (yes, you)

Eric Clapton.

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

"SHEESH. What will it be like when I'm eighty?!"

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

Holistic Alcohol Consumption

"I've got everything you've got and more - I just don't feel the need to tell the whole effin world about it"

When Mrs Murray said you should vary your diet I don't think she meant to just try all 16 flavours of POT NOODLES.

'Good to see you in church on Sunday.' -'So that's where I was.'

'You know, hors d'oeuvres are completely lost on your side of the family.'

"Have you ever thought about putting out, instead of pretzels, maybe peanuts?"

American 'Idle'.