Sandwich Sampler Gifts

'Smoked salmon and cream cheese. What's in yours?'

'The school bus drove off without me. The driver said she couldn't allow one more peanut butter sandwich on her bus.'

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

Sauce for the Goose

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Diet considerations.'

Sinking Sand

'I'm sorry we put bearnaise sauce on your fillet by mistake. Randy will have it off there in a jiffy.'

Pat's Bar, Rotgut Tasting 5-7.

De ja vu soup - 'It was yesterday's 'soup of the day'.'

'Anyone else seeing a pattern here?'

NEW FALL LINEUP

Man with fake beard gets a package from the Beard of the Month club.

Eating raw cake mix.

"I don't understand it - no matter how much I drink coffee, play on my phone, refresh my e-mail, look up things online, go to the kitchen for snacks, message my friends, scroll through Twitter, and play with the cats, I still can't get any writing done."

'I'm part of a double-blind study to see how weight loss supplements help people lose weight. I'm guessing I received the sugar pill placebos.'

'Waiter! This broth tastes spoiled!'

"I've got everything you've got and more - I just don't feel the need to tell the whole effin world about it"

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

'I came for the $1.99 seafood buffet--I'm staying for the restrooms.'

"SHEESH. What will it be like when I'm eighty?!"

When Mrs Murray said you should vary your diet I don't think she meant to just try all 16 flavours of POT NOODLES.

'You know, hors d'oeuvres are completely lost on your side of the family.'

'The Tooth Fairy and her evil twin, the Sweet-Tooth Fairy.'

'Dinner will be ready soon - we're going to try sushi tonight.'

"The face of the pear-shaped man reminded me of the mashed turnips that Aunt Mildred used to serve alongside the Thanksgiving turkey. As he got out of the strawberry-hued car, his immense fists looked like two slabs of slightly gnawed ham. He waddled over

Working from home.

"Have you ever thought about putting out, instead of pretzels, maybe peanuts?"

American 'Idle'.

'I've completed my inspection. You've got termites...I had no idea they were carnivores.'

"Yeah, you're right, these can cause long term health issues. But trust me, for you that's not gonna be a problem."

'Dinner will be ready soon - we're going to try sushi tonight.'

"Do you have 'Cheese and Pickle...?'"

It was cute when my digital assistant played "Bye Bye Birdie" after I asked for help with a pesky bird. But it was just snarky playing the theme from "Mission: Impossible" when I asked for guidance on reducing my debt.

"Install that, then uninstall that. Open that, then close that. Update that, then delete that. Run that program, then end that program..."