Setlist Sampler Gifts

Eric Clapton.

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

Musical genres

"I want to set the world record for eating the most empanadas ever!"

Food samples in supermarket - 'There's a stick in mine.'

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

"Amazing! It's a new world record folks!"

'Anyone else seeing a pattern here?'

Eating raw cake mix.

NEW FALL LINEUP

Man with fake beard gets a package from the Beard of the Month club.

'I'm part of a double-blind study to see how weight loss supplements help people lose weight. I'm guessing I received the sugar pill placebos.'

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

"I'm not mocking your song—I'm sampling it."

'Smoked salmon and cream cheese. What's in yours?'

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

The lame stuff you listen to (yes, you)

'Save or delete...decisions, decisions..it's just like being at work!'

Pioneers Of AviationOctober 21, 1913 Major C. Peter Barry Breaks The Scarf Barrier

"That's cute, but you'll never realize your phone's ringing in here if your ringtone's a belch."

Meat. No, I have no idea what the heck you just shoved in your mouth, I'm giving away toothpicks. Free samples.

"SHEESH. What will it be like when I'm eighty?!"

'Well it was fine on the straight but when it hit the last curve the cartoonist lost his perspective!'

'Dinner will be ready soon - we're going to try sushi tonight.'

"You've passed me three times already. This is your last chance, buster, or I'm sending you straight to bed without your free samples."

Midlife Madness

It was cute when my digital assistant played "Bye Bye Birdie" after I asked for help with a pesky bird. But it was just snarky playing the theme from "Mission: Impossible" when I asked for guidance on reducing my debt.

'Wait. Let me check the time. ... Yes! It's a new world record!'

"Install that, then uninstall that. Open that, then close that. Update that, then delete that. Run that program, then end that program..."

"I can sell you the caulk, but there's a waiting period for the gun."

"I demand you show something worth watching!"