Seltzer Sampler Gifts

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Sauce for the Goose

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Diet considerations.'

Sinking Sand

Pat's Bar, Rotgut Tasting 5-7.

Eating raw cake mix.

"I don't understand it - no matter how much I drink coffee, play on my phone, refresh my e-mail, look up things online, go to the kitchen for snacks, message my friends, scroll through Twitter, and play with the cats, I still can't get any writing done."

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

"The doctor needs a spice sample."

Public Defender / Seltzer Defender

Clown crawling through the desert moaning, 'Seltzer... seltzer.'

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

"SHEESH. What will it be like when I'm eighty?!"

When Mrs Murray said you should vary your diet I don't think she meant to just try all 16 flavours of POT NOODLES.

Eric Clapton.

Trendy new La Croix flavors

'You know, hors d'oeuvres are completely lost on your side of the family.'

"Seltzer . . . seltzer!"

Seltzer paste.

'I've completed my inspection. You've got termites...I had no idea they were carnivores.'

"Have you ever thought about putting out, instead of pretzels, maybe peanuts?"

Working from home.

"Something to make her forget that I forgot her birthday!"

"Do you have 'Cheese and Pickle...?'"

"Install that, then uninstall that. Open that, then close that. Update that, then delete that. Run that program, then end that program..."

Clowns Dueling