Seltzer Sampler Gifts

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Sauce for the Goose

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Diet considerations.'

Sinking Sand

Pat's Bar, Rotgut Tasting 5-7.

'I'm sorry we put bearnaise sauce on your fillet by mistake. Randy will have it off there in a jiffy.'

'Anyone else seeing a pattern here?'

Eating raw cake mix.

"I don't understand it - no matter how much I drink coffee, play on my phone, refresh my e-mail, look up things online, go to the kitchen for snacks, message my friends, scroll through Twitter, and play with the cats, I still can't get any writing done."

'I'm part of a double-blind study to see how weight loss supplements help people lose weight. I'm guessing I received the sugar pill placebos.'

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

'Smoked salmon and cream cheese. What's in yours?'

"The doctor needs a spice sample."

Clown crawling through the desert moaning, 'Seltzer... seltzer.'

Public Defender / Seltzer Defender

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

"SHEESH. What will it be like when I'm eighty?!"

When Mrs Murray said you should vary your diet I don't think she meant to just try all 16 flavours of POT NOODLES.

Eric Clapton.

Trendy new La Croix flavors

'You know, hors d'oeuvres are completely lost on your side of the family.'

"Seltzer . . . seltzer!"

"Have you ever thought about putting out, instead of pretzels, maybe peanuts?"

American 'Idle'.

'I've completed my inspection. You've got termites...I had no idea they were carnivores.'

Working from home.

Seltzer paste.

"Do you have 'Cheese and Pickle...?'"

"Install that, then uninstall that. Open that, then close that. Update that, then delete that. Run that program, then end that program..."

"Something to make her forget that I forgot her birthday!"

It was cute when my digital assistant played "Bye Bye Birdie" after I asked for help with a pesky bird. But it was just snarky playing the theme from "Mission: Impossible" when I asked for guidance on reducing my debt.