Seltzer Enthusiast Gifts

Seltzer paste.

Clown crawling through the desert moaning, 'Seltzer... seltzer.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Victor Hugo

I'm at the shrub with the empty bag of pretzels we sniffed last week. Where are you?

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Where was the TSA?'

'He made an excellent jelly.'

Revenge of the Jelly Mother.

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

Eurydice is bitten by a snake

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

"Take the off this minute, young lady."

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'I'm old enough to remember when smiley faces were right side up.'

"Midtown Vinyl. Vintage albums + EPs. Midtown Ink. Vintage books + newspapers."

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

Cinderella and Charming the Clown

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

Jacques et Jille

"This is what's known as a book."

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

Hansel and Gretal

Alberich steals the gold

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

"Personally, I loved your novel. Unfortunately, our e-book editor says it just doesn't work on the little screen!"

A new career for George W. Bush: taster in a pretzel factory.

"Does dad know you're dating the guy from the Seder plate?"

Abacus.