Sermon Survivor Gifts

Man pretending to sleepwalk out of a sermon.

"The long prayer peek."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

'And in conclusion.'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

That's not the reaction I was going for. Let me try to put a different spin on it.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

'I take it the Change Seminar stripped you down to your vulnerabilities.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.