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'We're gonna skip the theatrics today and get right into the Word ...'

Moses separating his Laundry.

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sermon Applause.

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

Graph leads down into egg with a big crack.

"The sound system is fixed so we can start. Would you kindly put the beach ball away!"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

How's My Omnipotence? 1-800-CREATOR

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.