Sermon Fans Pillows

'We're gonna skip the theatrics today and get right into the Word ...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Sermon Applause.

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"The sound system is fixed so we can start. Would you kindly put the beach ball away!"

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'