Sermon Fanatic Pillows

"Could you all please just listen to my sermon instead of asking me what I would do?"

"We need to do something about excessive admin. I want you to fill out one of these forms every time you think you're doing some."

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

"I did the math. If we want to read all of Proust in this lifetime, we have to start tomorrow morning."

"Simplified application form? . . . This IS the simplified application form!"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Sermon Applause.

When a speaker says '...to make a long story short,' you've already been there 3 hours.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"Redcoat is down! Repeat, redcoat is down!"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

'I agreed to guide you, My contract says nothing about pulling a sleigh,'

Applause

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

Santa Claws...

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"