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"Your sermon started out strong, then it got a little slow and I nodded off."

" ... when the sea shall give up her dead ... whoopsy - wrong sermon."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Yes, Jane Lyons, sitting next to Katy Jones, class of 2018, it is important for a writer to know her audience."

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

Substance Abuse Seminar: How Not To Get Hooked!

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'Success in business door' - keep your finger on the button doorbell.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

'What's the chance of getting a latte around here?'

'Sometimes, I'm like... wow! And then, I'm like... whoa! And then, I'm like... damn!'

Applause

'I understand night and day, but which came first?'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

'My other baby is Mercedes'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

'I sent an employee to a motivational seminar once. He came back and took my job.'