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"Your sermon started out strong, then it got a little slow and I nodded off."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Yes, Jane Lyons, sitting next to Katy Jones, class of 2018, it is important for a writer to know her audience."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

Substance Abuse Seminar: How Not To Get Hooked!

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'Success in business door' - keep your finger on the button doorbell.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'What's the chance of getting a latte around here?'

'Sometimes, I'm like... wow! And then, I'm like... whoa! And then, I'm like... damn!'

Applause

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I understand night and day, but which came first?'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"Sinead?!"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

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