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'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"The actual title of my sermon, Ms. Barns, is 'Are you going to hell?'."

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

For every moment in life there is a song that describes it perfectly.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Red hot little combo

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"You know I hate birthdays!"

Joseph and his coat

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

Male On Sunday

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

'The crepes of wrath.' 'Joad's mobile pancake store.'

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."