Saint Aficionados T-Shirts

"Fortunately, I was texting St. Christopher."

Santa Claus's Mail

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

'Looks like someone beat us to the punch.'

High security Santa's grotto

"Ernestine is trying to get St. Patrick to change his mind."

'I swear, if he didn't always pick up the tab, I'd never go drinking with him.'

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

"I admire your enthusiasm, but you’re not really flying."

Santa Claus You Are Welcome.

"Anything but milk and cookies."

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

'This year I'm deliverying everything FedEx!'

"Pepperoni pizza is my favorite! Ah, Billy, you little suck up!"

"Do you feel your eyes have changed any since your last visit?" "No. They seem to be ho, ho, ho, holding their own."

Santa CGI Effect

'How do we know the NSA hasn't hacked your naughty list?'

'You still owe me the pony from last year!'

Santa 'Freezing' Claus.

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'How do you think he stays so merry through the holidays?!'

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

"I want a pony!"

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

'There really IS a Santa!' Santa busts pets eating his milk and cookies

'Well, I'll try, but cheese seems to be the 'must have gift' this year.'

'And that,and that,and that...'

'It's a statue of St. Francis of Assisi. I had it specially made for my hospital.'

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

A few post-Christmas options for Santa.

The Reindeer Strike

"We're wasting our time. He gets them free at work."

Hot food cafe open every day except Christmas Day.

"Amazon wants to open a facility here due to our friendly labor environment."

"For the last time… do not feed bubble gum to the reindeer!"