Saint Scholar Gifts

'When I asked for your favourite Saint, I didn't think of someone like Michael Ballack, son.'

Bob encounters one of the bugs in the Jean Paul Sartre fan website.

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Finally, after years of work, irrefutable proof that I'm a nerd."

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

William Shakespeare a.k.a. Francis Bacon, Earl of Essex....

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

'I asked Will if he wrote it. He said he wasn't sure.'

A surprise in heaven

"O Lord—why art thou such a drama queen?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"I think you'll find the pen is writier than the sword."

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"Drop everything, Dominic. I need you to proof this for blasphemy."

Wikipedia...

"It's either the Ten Commandments or the Mueller Report."

Moses Today. Due to the sensitive nature of this matter, my source wishes to remain anonymous.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'You know, I never have had a sabbatical....'

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

"Commandments aren't really selling these days. However, we're willing to consider self-help tips or personal improvement ideas."

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

"Must be another paradigm shift."

"Have you been working out?"

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Read that last part back to me.'