Divinity Scholar Gifts

'They always call it 'Noah's flood,' like it was my fault or something!'

"I'm not sure I liked your tone when you addressed me as 'Mr. Know-It-All'."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

You got that beer that the monks make, didn't you?

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Well, we needed the rain."

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"It's cool – God told us to!"

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"I've got writer's block."

"You call this a constitution?"

Well HERE'S some good news...Judgement Day has been replaced by a multiple choice questionnaire.

A surprise in heaven

"O Lord—why art thou such a drama queen?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

The World's Biggest Book Club

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"Drop everything, Dominic. I need you to proof this for blasphemy."

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

10 Commitments? Sure, I guess I could give him those, too.

"Commandments aren't really selling these days. However, we're willing to consider self-help tips or personal improvement ideas."