Bible Scholar Gifts

'Ten suggestions would be easier to accept...'

The Israelites Create a Golden Calf

Thomas didn't invite anyone to his Bible study, misunderstanding the definition of a small group.

Haman's personal organiser

'But first... a word from Mount Sinai National Bank.'

"Remember when we had that plague of lapdancers?"

'I KNEW he had an ulterior motive!'

'No offense, but some of these sound a little PREACHY.'

'Whoa! - Adam and Eve are WAY out of compliance!'

'I know why King Solomon was so rich -- All those wives of his had JOBS!'

'They've been wandering in the desert for forty years? -- Why didn't You give them a GPS?'

'If I let your people stop building pyramids, joblessness will skyrocket.'

'Only twelve tribes and they've already lost TEN of them?'

'There was a feeling among the other disciples that Judas was not to be wholly trusted.'

'I create them, I liberate them from Egypt, I give them manna, and now they want me to make the sun stand still!'

"Now Eve wants free contraceptives."

And God said 'Let there be a thermonuclear power station' and there was light.

"No, I won't go out with you...I don't know you from Adam!"

"The Bible does not say that!... And if it does, it's taken out of context!... And if it isn't, it's just a metaphor!... And if it's not, it's not a big deal!... And if it is, then that's just how things were done back then!... And if... er... shut up

"Oi, Methuselah -when are you going to apologise for your disgraceful graffiti comments 300 years ago?"

"Do you have anything else by the same author?"

"Are you writing all this down, Matthew? I can't help thinking there might be a book in this."

"I know not the exact day nor hour of the second coming...or twenty four other world events."

Gorillas Load Noah's Mahogany Desk

'They accepted the Commandments, but they're already taking them out of context.'

'On second thought, scratch that one about abortion.'

Adam and Eve in tug of war with cavemen.

"Spoiler alert! I hope you hadn't made plans for the Easter weekend!"

'Have you made backups?'

'So, I take it that diversity isn't a priority?'

'Nothing about checks and balances?'

'You realize, it may take us a while to get up to code.'

"You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?"

'Don't talk about girls bringing sherbet, these camels you sourced for us are downright refractory.'

'It's a popular misconception, but in fact, it's always been 'cod'.'