Retirement Giggler Gifts

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

The Busy Gardener

I was holding out okay, until he made it into crumb cake.

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

Something Wilted This Way Comes.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

The Main Types of Cheese

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'I think I'll go home and eat'

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'A rose by any other name means I flunked the botany test.'

"Garden variety allergies."

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

Hardy Annuals

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"This is bishop’s weed — always pee on it. Tell your friends."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Hello Mr Flower. You've got a pretty face. But your feet are filthy."

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

Look at the size of that fork. She must be very hungry!

Yard Sale

Beginning Yarder.

'This place is really classy. They bring the microwave right to your table!'

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

This is NOT 'nipping out'.

'You'll find it has a bouquet reminiscent of cherries and chocolate, a silky texture and best of all, for me, a 72% gross margin.'

'To be honest I'm sick of truffles.'

"What are you in for?"

"Enough with the treehugging already!"