Retired Relative Gifts

"America's Funniest Colonoscopy Videos."

"I used to love power, but now I'm more interested in mileage."

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

Two old superheroes on a park bench feeding the birds.

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"Since being semi-retired everything I do is half-assed."

Children's Party

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"This place is nice, but what would we really do if we lived here? Lie around and be happy all the time?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

Speed Dating.

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"No more swinging from tree to tree! Now I take the bus and I even get a senior discount!"

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

Stockwell's day

"Death coach..."

Best Scapegoat